Is there a reason why my uvs are scaling from some goddamn offscreen pivot in the uv editor?
Rather than pivot from the center of my selection like id expect it to

May be you accidentally used the Set Pivot Tool and activated the pivot?
Default hotkey is "."
For activating and deactivating the pivot Default hotkey is "Ctrl+."

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Andyba, 3d artist
skills: 3d modeling, texturing, rendering, 3d character animation, compositing
3d software experience: 3ds max, Maya, Softimage XSI, Deep Paint 3d, Body Paint 3D, Wings 3D, Z Brush
2d software experience: Adobe Photoshop, Adobe After effects, Macromedia Flash, Freehand

Also you could try to turn on the center of geometry COG option.
_________________
Andyba, 3d artist
skills: 3d modeling, texturing, rendering, 3d character animation, compositing
3d software experience: 3ds max, Maya, Softimage XSI, Deep Paint 3d, Body Paint 3D, Wings 3D, Z Brush
2d software experience: Adobe Photoshop, Adobe After effects, Macromedia Flash, Freehand